New Years Eve

I feel like an explanation is required for the brief story I told you in my first post about my completely overdramatic melt down when I sent a simple message.

So the guy I was/am kinda seeing has similar chemical imbalances in their brain as I do. I know, how do two socially anxious people meet? It’s seriously like we all attract each other. Him and I hadn’t talked in a while, and I knew he was going through some stuff, so I thought, “Amy, when you’re having your socially awkward overdramatic break downs, you need space. Give him space too.” 

So I gave him space. I know that’s what I need when I’m in that situation. So I tried to be as caring as I could to his needs and ignored my own worries.

Then these really creepy, weird, cryptic Facebook statuses started.

I feel like it’s really important to point out that this guy is NOT in anyway my boyfriend. He claims to have commitment issues. Even though he still finds it acceptable to get tattoos, that the last time I checked are definitely life long. (Yeah, I don’t find the hypocrisy of this completely annoying and stupid. But whatever.) 

Anyways, my friends started questioning me. They were worried that something had happened with him and I. And then once I reassured them that I thought everything was okay, they assured me that it would probably be a completely socially acceptable thing to ask him if he was okay.

Except for I have social anxiety. And I have a really, really huge fear of coming off as annoying or dependent or clingy. The thought of messaging him and simply asking him if he was okay legitimately made me want to vomit my guts out. I can’t even count the amount of times I had made plans with friends, not wanting to send out this seemingly impossible message alone, only to back out and tell myself I’d do it later. 

This is how my mind works. The fear of people, and of coming off as clingy becomes more important than the worry that I have for someone. And that’s a really sad, and hard thing to deal with. I know I claimed in my last post that I have gotten a lot better since February 2013, and I have. But clearly, I still have a really long way to go. 

Anyways, I eventually gave into the worry. I thought that ensuring another human being was doing alright, was probably far more important than my fear of appearing needy. But then I refused to look at my Facebook for two days. So that’s rational. 

Hindsight 20/20, my fears were completely unwarranted. I even told this guy how ridiculously nervous I was (cause that’s super cute, right?) and he laughed at my ridiculousness. Lesson learned from this particular story of socially anxious Amy: If someone seems to be super sad, it’s probably okay to ask if they are okay. We’re all supposed to take care of one another, right? So any fear of coming off as needy should be completely disregarded. 

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